Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Fit, and don't you know it.

Hello my darlings!

Did you miss me?

I do apologise for the delay in posts. I've changed jobs, spent numerous hours cutting back my tash, and even washed my hair.

In way of apology, I've got a right belter for you. In order to use the gym at my new office, you first need to prove that you won't die if unsupervised. In other words, are you so overweight that at any moment, you may collapse?

I strolled into this 'Fitness Assessment' fearing the worst. I'd not been to the gym in a few months because of a cough. It's astounding how much you can drag out one excuse.

Month one: 'I do want to go, but I can't breathe properly.'

Month two: 'I'm not quite tip top. I don't want to rush the healing process.'

Month three: I'm not 100%. I'm about 64%, and this is not a percentage I can take with me to the gymnasium.'

Ginger Beard accepted them all, and let me stay at home with the crisps. Unfortunately, the crisps stayed with me, on my stomach.

So, here I am, ready, prepared, doing squats in the lift. I blow into a pipe a few times (yes, still part of the assessment), run with a heart monitor on, stretch, and generally try to prove that I am nimble and young.

I later receive the results. Now, I was expecting to be a tad off the mark in a few areas. But rather hilariously (I've had a good chuckle), it turns out I'm a mess.

His summary is that I have too much body fat, need to go on a diet, and have poor flexibility and stamina. To reiterate, page two, 'KEEP YOUR WEIGHT IN CHECK!'

It's okay, I still have some self esteem left. It's hiding under a rock in the garden.

'Great lung capacity.' Woop Woop!

'Not using very much of lung capacity.' Gutted.

(Brief pause to eat sandwich. Realise for second time this week food made by Ginger tastes like Mr Muscle as he has sprayed chopping board. Go buy lunch. Yell at Ginger who has eaten his own poisoned sandwich).

It's alright, my blood pressure is below average! Oh wait, my stretching capabilities are non existent.

I did not go home, and have a brief, yet satisfying cry. And I definitely did not eat out five times last week.

If you need me, I'll be on a treadmill.

Peace and Love xxx