Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Thailand Journal - Part one - Pancakes

3/11/11

Ginger Beard says you can never be too sanitized. He is carrying round a travel sized sanitizer and using it every 5-10 minutes. He insists that I receive sanitation before we hold hands. He has many cuts on his face from shaving, and as such, is not at his aesthetic optimum. This makes me question our relationship. What am I doing with someone addicted to sanitiser who can't shave?

5/11/11

Determined to get my money's worth, I get stuck in straight away with the in-flight movies. If I'm smart, I can fit in 12. It would cost approximately £96 to see these at the cinema, and as such, is definitely worth the effort. Cue the worst turbulence I've ever experienced. Ginger makes it 6 minutes into Harry Potter (not literally, don't be vile), before turning yellow. But I am fricking staying the course! If I stop the film for a bit, I might only have room for 11 films! Eventually the stewardesses came round, and gave us some proper dodge food. I didn't eat it because I felt so, ridiculously sick. It's quite frustrating that so many scenes in Harry Potter are at night, because you can't see dark things on those tiny, shit screens. But I got the gist.

Eight hours later, Dubai Airport. I'm having to run to the toilets a lot for a good old dry vomiting session, but I did fulfil my film quota. And it's important to get your priorities right. I threw up just before take off, in one of those darling plane cubicles. A nice Thai lady told me I should drink Ginger Beer, but she didn't understand that this was a price I was willing to pay, and that I had already raked back £24.

I was unconscious for the next seven hours, only waking to wipe my drool away. On Emirates planes, when they want you to wake up, they put all the lights on, and play some man singing about what a beautiful day it is. It's not a beautiful day. Quite frankly it's complete wank, and 10pm, and you've woken me up to give me minced chicken with a slab of cheddar on it's face. Thanks.

Arrive in Bangkok. What a glorious start to the holiday. Let some people take us to an over-priced hotel. Think am hallucinating, but the taxis here are actually bright pink. A young boy carries our bags to the room, and shows me where the hairdryer is. Don't know what to tip. Do not understand currency. Awkward. Fall asleep. Wake up at 4am. Third plane to catch. Why did not pick Butlins? Can suddenly see the many merits of a Butlins holiday. Crave camp entertainers, pissed-in pool, and feral kids.

Realise Bangkok Airport looks like the Turd on the Tyne (Newcastle's Art Gallery). Weird. Sit on plane, eat cashew nuts. Do not desire to live anymore. Find it amusing that people jealous of our holiday. Nothing to be jealous of.

Taxi to the resort is 1:30. BUT the driver has a screen at the front of the car. Am still game for squashing in as many movies as possible. He doesn't ask, but puts on Micheal Jackson Live. Is lots of crying girls being restrained. Do not understand entertainment value.

Arrive at Talkoo Beach Resort, a child drives us to our room in a golf buggy. Why are these children not in school? Are obviously learning how to identify hairdryers and drive, through employment, but is not same as proper education.

No one else is here. Just me, Ginger and stray dogs. In our local Newsagents (One woman, a fridge with some milk in, and a freezer full of cornettos) there is a crazy amount of kittens. Ginger says I can't touch them because I'll contract rabies and die. It's a real shitter. They're sleeping amongst the merchandise, and I'd be happy to spend the rest of our vacation here. No dice.

Thai people here don't speak any English. You don't tend to get the food you order, but we try to enjoy the surprise. They're also very clever, and make you think they can understand you, by repeating what you say.

Me: Can I please order a taxi for tomorrow morning?
Reception: Taxi
Me: Yes, for 10am if that's okay?
Reception: 10.
Me: Good, so is that booked?
Reception: Booked.

And then you rock up at 10am, there's no taxi, and you nearly miss the ferry. But it's all part of the EXPERIENCE kids.

We went off to hunt some pink dolphins with a man, and his mate. I learned pretty quickly that nothing would make sense, nothing will be explained, and that's got to be just dandy. Which is why we drive around for a bit, head back, swap drivers, set off. The whole time they're having an animated, hilarious conversation.

So we get in this boat with a Thai couple, and chase this one bumpy dolphin. And these special jumping, silver fish are flying beside the boat, and every now and again, one slaps you in the face. It's a wholly pleasant experience. The woman put one hand on top of the other over and over again, and said 'Pancakes.' Fantastic, a day out at sea, followed by pancakes. Turns out she was talking about the rock formations. And this is why language barriers are harming people everywhere. Because I don't know if you've ever thought you were going to get pancakes, and had those hypothetical pancakes ripped away, but it's fucking upsetting