Wednesday, June 05, 2013

You're a loooooosserrrr

Hello British readers and Slovenian alike!

How the hell are you?

I'm great thanks, due to spending two nights 'sleeping' on a table masquerading as a mattress.

I've also found myself in a very undesirable position, for the first time in my young, splendid life. Eating alone. Every morning, I have to sit BY MYSELF and eat breakfast BY MYSELF, with a lot of suited business men who are also BY THEMSELVES.

It's fucking horrifying.

No one has prepared me for this situation.

My parents never said, 'Now Gemma, one day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day, you might have to eat alone, and when that day arrives, what you do is.....'

THANKS PARENTS.

I take a magazine, but I'm not reading it. Instead I'm internally dying of self aware shame. I forget how to butter toast. Can I only butter toast when someone I know supervises me? Because I'm totally shit at in when unattended.

I've googled tips, but I really don't find the below particularly appealing:

I'm not going to smile at anyone else there. I'm not even going to acknowledge they exist. It's what everyone else does. Like we're in our own kitchens, eating seriously below par muesli alone.

Another piece of advice, is to take pictures of your food, so that other diners think you're a Food Critic.

Can you be a Food Critic of Kelloggs Cornflakes?

It really does feel like being single, with no friends. I have to keep reminding myself it's not true. But even the waitress talks to me like it's true.

She's all 'Coffee for one? Hmm? Toast for one?'

No, you know what, I'll have toast for three. YOU DICK.


Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Taking the abuse worldwide

I'm really sorry that I abandoned you for over a month.

It was me, not you.

Oh okay, it was totally you. You forced me to say it.

ALSO

Something tremendously exciting! I've had 25 hits from Slovenia! Gotta love those blog-reading Slovenians. To try and bond with my new fan base, I decided to do some research. The first thing I found was their official Tourist Board website.


Do you feel Slovenia and/or love?

I know I do, and regularly.

If you're not currently feeling it, don't panic, because, and I quote, 'The friendly, hospitable and attentive locals will guarantee you a pleasant stay. You can feel Slovenia.'

Is anyone else a little bit concerned by what they appear to be suggesting?

It's accompanied by this picture, which appears to be a demon child.



They go on to say that it's a great place for watching grapes ripen on the oldest vine in the world. At the moment, I'm a bit too busy for that level of commitment. But I urge you to give it a go!

Be careful though, because they then say you can hear tales of bears, which insinuates that there are bears.

I really do hope that my Slovenian chums now feel, that I have reached out, as if through their very screen, and grasped their culture with two, eager hands.

Please do let me know if this is the case.