Friday, May 09, 2014

Sleep of the week: Marcus

This week's Sleep of the week has been kindly donated by Nia Edwards.

Nia Edwards is awesome.

But can anyone ever be as awesome as Marcus?



Marcus is not messing around.

He was born in London, and thus, he is fully prepared.

I really want to know how this is packaged. I like to think that he never removes it, as it provides so many benefits:

-Retaining heat in the neck and jaw
-Preventing attacks to the neck and jaw

He has a very smug sleep face. Of course he does; will you check out the frigging cushion.

I bet he's a chiropractor. His glasses look serious, and he's wearing them in a very serious way. The shirt/jumper combo was a brave choice.

Unlike Todd from last week (remember Todd? Bless him) Marcus probably does have a special someone; a wife, who is never allowed to leave the house.

From the looks of it, no one is sitting directly to his left. Good decision. But on his right, you can just make out the stiff collar of Sherlock's coat.

And that's this weeks, Sleep of the week!!! (imagine jingle).

Still sponsored by Durex - 'Respect it. Protect it.'

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

Face Off


I met a very nice chap on the tube this morning.

I could tell, by reading his ID badge, that he was a temporary contractor for Harrods in the field of '3 way displays.'

Early on in the journey, he decided to use my leg, in order to display his bag of shoe boxes. And although it's quite possible that he, nervous about his first day, was using the commute to warm up, I was left rather displeased.

In order to point out the obvious health and safety failing, I pointed to the bag and said, 'I think that's going to fall over,' and displayed this by moving my leg, and letting the bag fall over. My display it turns out, was much better than his.

He said, 'sorry', correctly interpreting my utterance as, 'Move you fucking bag.'

It used to be that other people on the tube scared me. Now, I scare myself.

ALSO

I recently hooked my umbrella on the back of a chair in a pub, and then went to sit in a different part of the pub for approximately two hours. A responsible (probably) amount of wine later, I returned to rescue it. By this point a man was sitting there, with his coat and bag over the chair. I said:

'Sorry to interrupt. Can I just get my umbrella? I don't want you to think I'm going through your bag.'

And his girlfriend was like: 'What?'

And I was like: 'My umbrella.'

 And I lifted the jacket up to show them that my umbrella was there, and he said:

'Why are you going through my bag?'

They're very lucky that I didn't beat them to death, but I'd gone to so much effort to get the umbrella back, that it seemed a real shame to break it.

I think I'm coming across as a very violent person, but lucky for you, this has only recently materialised as violent thoughts. In the past I have:

*Dropped a rock on a frog. Mum put in the bin, after pronouncing it dead at the scene. But in the morning it was hopping around the patio with a mashed in face. What a relief!

*Thrown a boy's watch into the road. His Mum came to my house, and had a massive go at my Mum. I sat on the stairs with a  glass of orange juice crying.

*Ran down a hill, jumped on a girl's back, and started slapping her cheeks. In my defence, she did insinuate that I dyed my hair (I did), and we were quickly toppled my another girl who then jumped on my back. Karma.

*Scratched my brother between the eyes and scarred him, after he put gum in the sleeve of my favourite jacket.

Is that it? I think that's it.

I've just noticed that aside from the watch, they're all facial. In my presence, no ones face is safe.

PROTECT YOUR FACE