Monday, August 08, 2016

Seeking a friend

Good news guys - alongside the building, gut deep realisation that this marriage is just not going to work, I know have physical proof too.

Our wedding rings are attacking us. Ginger was the first one to notice that the skin under his ring was looking proper dodge, like eczema on crack. Checking mine, revealed the same. Plus, if you squint, and then completely lie, the cracked skin spells out the word, 'Divorce'.

Even though I am sure that we need to call it a day before our fingers fall off, I Googled it. Google thinks it's Wedding Ring Dermatitis, and not in fact, a symptom of the sham life we have concocted together. Google is wrong.

It also claims that this is easily treatable. But you try evicting a desperate Geordie who sees you as a role model, and let me know how this turns out.

This is what they say on Brides.com (a source of great wisdom):

'While you should definitely see a doctor or dermatologist if your symptoms escalate, here are a few at-home remedies you can try first to help resolve the rash - Take your ring off.'

They do provide a long list of remedies, but I'm only going to focus on the first one. And it's definitely not because I want to find out what calibre of man I can reel in, without the off-putting indication of my marriage on show.

ALSO,

How do you get friends?

I mean OBVIOUSLY I have friends. But let's say, hypothetically that I've moved somewhere new, and I work from home, and am no longer in education, and don't really have any friends.

How would one acquire some?

I've begun to draft an ad for the paper (but maybe I'll just put it online because no friend of mine is going to be the kind of person who reads the paper. But then again maybe they married a smarty pants fake Doctor like I did, and their husband reads it and is all like, 'Hey, honey, there's a girl just like you in the paper. She doesn't have any friends either!':

Girl without friends, seeks friends. Those who do not entirely confirm to the below criteria should not waste their time:

- Watches/has previously watched/is prepared to watch, all eleven seasons of Grey's Anatomy. (That's all I can really talk about these days).

-Enjoys brief walks on flat terrain.

- Drinks coffee (I don't really trust people who don't rely on the stimulation of legal drugs).

-Has a substantially unattractive partner (am considering divorce and do not want to target your partner as a rebound and thus destroy the friendship before it's really had a chance).