The ugly truth

There's something I've been hiding from you.

And it's preventing us from becoming close.

I had a forceps birth. That's right kids. That's right.

My Mum was too posh to push.

I'M JOKING.

I mean, I don't know, I don't remember. Maybe she's lying when she says it was essential.

The point is that as I direct result I:

1) Have a scar on my parting.

2)Have a flat head at the back, which I fondly refer to as 'The skate ramp.'

I can't wear hats.

I also Googled 'Forcep Birth' to give me an idea of what I went through.

Look what I went through!

Is that even legal? I doubt it.

No wonder my head is weirdly shaped. You try standing in a stables while the staff have a whispered, panic conference on why none of the helmets fit.

People, I did some research. I wanted to know more:

'Forceps look a bit like two stainless steel salad servers that fit together.'

I AM NOT A SALAD.

'Though it may look worrying, any marks on your baby are usually temporary, and will clear up on their own within a week or so.'

SCARRED I TELL YOU!

I find the story of my birth just as disturbing as I find Amazon reminding me that I was recently shopping for picnic blankets, in the middle of it.

There really is no privacy left in this world. But it is a very nice blanket indeed.

ANYWAY

The reason I'm trying to work through these issues with you, is that I recently injured myself by trying to stand up from the bed after eating lunch. I couldn't move my head and thought I'd dislocated my collarbone, as it was suddenly not level.

The Doctor said (and I'm slighty paraphrasing): 'You have fucked your neck up a bit, but your collarbone is fine. From what I can tell, it has always been asymmetrical.' WHAT?

And then I realised - yes - just another horrific injury from Mother's decision to let them forcep me.

'Mechanical Trauma

An external injury can damage the bone tissue, causing inflammation and hypertrophy of a certain part of the collarbone. Every bone injury should X-rayed as there is always a possibility of fracture. Improper positioning of fractured parts can lead to deformation and collarbone asymmetry.'

SECRETS AND LIES

That's right mother, mechanical trauma. You bastard.

I mean, it does say that it can be normal, but I doubt it.

Readers, I want to assure you that my tiny Mum has made many wonderful decisions in her life. This was not one of them.