The ugly truth

There's something I've been hiding from you.

And it's preventing us from becoming close.

I had a forceps birth. That's right kids. That's right.

My Mum was too posh to push.

I'M JOKING.

I mean, I don't know, I don't remember. Maybe she's lying when she says it was essential.

The point is that as I direct result I:

1) Have a scar on my parting.

2)Have a flat head at the back, which I fondly refer to as 'The skate ramp.'

I can't wear hats.

I also Googled 'Forcep Birth' to give me an idea of what I went through.

Look what I went through!

Is that even legal? I doubt it.

No wonder my head is weirdly shaped. You try standing in a stables while the staff have a whispered, panic conference on why none of the helmets fit.

People, I did some research. I wanted to know more:

'Forceps look a bit like two stainless steel salad servers that fit together.'

I AM NOT A SALAD.

'Though it may look worrying, any marks on your baby are usually temporary, and will clear up on their own within a week or so.'

SCARRED I TELL YOU!

I find the story of my birth just as disturbing as I find Amazon reminding me that I was recently shopping for picnic blankets, in the middle of it.

There really is no privacy left in this world. But it is a very nice blanket indeed.

ANYWAY

The reason I'm trying to work through these issues with you, is that I recently injured myself by trying to stand up from the bed after eating lunch. I couldn't move my head and thought I'd dislocated my collarbone, as it was suddenly not level.

The Doctor said (and I'm slighty paraphrasing): 'You have fucked your neck up a bit, but your collarbone is fine. From what I can tell, it has always been asymmetrical.' WHAT?

And then I realised - yes - just another horrific injury from Mother's decision to let them forcep me.

'Mechanical Trauma

An external injury can damage the bone tissue, causing inflammation and hypertrophy of a certain part of the collarbone. Every bone injury should X-rayed as there is always a possibility of fracture. Improper positioning of fractured parts can lead to deformation and collarbone asymmetry.'

SECRETS AND LIES

That's right mother, mechanical trauma. You bastard.

I mean, it does say that it can be normal, but I doubt it.

Readers, I want to assure you that my tiny Mum has made many wonderful decisions in her life. This was not one of them.

Tribute to Gaffney

Now the video may look a little bit like bullying. And you may debate calling the police. Resist. Everyone had a great time. The elderly gentleman in question was given a free glass of squash. It comes from a place of love. Just embrace the love........

Which is currently residing at a YouTube location. It's not like I've been trying to attach it to this post for two hours. I have better things to do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuMapSsacI4

Always look on the bright side of death...

Only my father could be relied upon to instill Christmas cheer into this miserable world. I would like to invite you all into the delicate, mental deliberations of a legend. Dad, if you're reading, I am about to immortalise you in blog history, worry not. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing, the way you see life. To give this text message a little context, he is currently on a Carribean cruise.

(The content has not been manipulated for comical purposes, I swear on Ginger Beard's beard.)

"Hi Gem, weather great and the cruise ship is massive.
Unfortunately a man died on the second day. Last night a woman went over the ship into the sea. A rescue with ships and planes has not found the woman after two days.
However, we are enjoying the various islands we visit, and it is somewhat hotter than in the UK."

I love him so much, it hurts.