Wednesday, October 21, 2015

The Pret Threat

Just received the most aggressively fashioned, 'Take care,' of my life, and from a lady in Pret.

She was perfectly normal until the very last segment of our exchange, where she held my coffee back, tilted her chin forward, and deeply boomed those words. Everything around us slowed, as our eyes locked, and the warning soaked in.

So two things really:

1) If something awful happens to me today (which seems kind of inevitable now, ever since she delivered my fate over my crayfish salad), you'll know what the catalyst was.

And 2) Pret don't seem to give out free coffees to people they like (as I'd been misinformed) - they only give out free threats.

There was only one logical reaction; I took numerous forks. That's right, approaching the array of plastic cutlery, feeling hard done by, concerned, and having paid for my coffee, I took a chunky handful of forks.

UP YOURS PRET.

God, I really know how to stick it to the man.

My next novel (yeah, like I have a first) - 'Don't get angry, get even.'

Speaking of novels, it's that glorious time of year again where Nanowrimo is peeking up like some unwanted, ugly meerkat.

For those of you who haven't ingested my whinging in previous years, it's a national challenge to write 50,000 words in a month.

What's in it for me?

If successful, I get to print my own certificate, AND if I attend a write-in, the chances of attaining NaNo related stickers are high.

What's in it for you?

I go insane (Yes, that's right. It gets even worse than it is already).

For the first time ever, I also have a buddy, who I've managed to deceive into thinking it will be fun. Good for me. Want to go crazy too? http://nanowrimo.org/

Unlike last year, where I essentially gave someone Gollum from Lord of the Rings, as a sidekick, I'm going to do my very best to have ideas that I haven't stolen.

I even have my first line ready and waiting, 'My mum decided to die in my favorite place.'

Alright, so it's not exactly uplifting, but then you've very much come to the wrong blog if that's what you're after. And yes, my Mum will take it rather badly, and assume it's some kind of wish fulfillment on my part, but the life of a writer is a hard one my friends.

I must boldly go where...oh wait..I'm plagiarizing again.

Better quit while I'm ahead.

Thursday, October 08, 2015

A shiny, new leaf

Guys it's so grim; another new housemate.

All you really need to know about this one, is that when I said, 'We've just been to see Legend at the cinema, very violent.'

He said, 'I love violence.'

The other one, Alan, announced that London had broken him, whilst stuffing his face with Burger King fries. 'I fucking hate it. It's fucking shit. Fuck this.'

What a charming, mentally stable bunch.

In other news, Ginger isn't talking to me because I watched the Bake Off final without him.

I'm still laughing at my mug two years after I've bought it:


And I've decided to donate the majority of my hair to charity.

That's right people, I've done something nice.

I keep telling colleagues,'You might have noticed, my hair is short, because I've given it TO CHARITY.'

And their like, 'Yeah, I know, I saw on Facebook.'

And I'm like, 'Right exactly, I just wanted to give something back to the community. Just do the right thing you know?'

And they make an excuse to leave.

Guys, I just feel, that I have become a better, wholesome person, and I can't wait to see what the goodness in me does next.

Maybe I'll start helping people with their heavy suitcases on stairs, instead of walking quickly past, thinking, 'Can't carry it? Don't bring it.'

Maybe I'll do the pots for once, when I'm staying at Mum's, instead of deciding that I'm on holiday so it wouldn't be right.

Oh! Maybe I'll stop lying and blaming my mistakes on others!

No, not that last one. That last one doesn't sit right.