Rebel with a cause

It's day 28 of Narnowrimo. Expected word count - 46676. My word count - 0

Calm down, I'll do it when I get home tonight.

I'll tell you what it's not - IT'S NOT PHYSICAL PROOF THAT I'M NOT A REAL WRITER.

And to prove it, I'm going to my writers' group on Sunday. YEAH, with proper paper and everything.
So screw you voice in my head - you patronising wanker (sounds a lot like Stewie questioning Brian over his first book. And if this reference is lost on you, march your uneducated ass down to Play.com, and spend your wage on a Family Guy boxset instead of food. There, that's the spirit.)

Or, just listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9rv1oJ4Res.

ALSO

I've been wondering if you're a sad act square for frequently going to the Library, but then suddenly a badass if you get a fine? I asked one person, and he agreed, so that's that. £3, and I've got street cred. And you know how much they were overdue? By a WHOLE day.

God, I really take things too far. I should calm down. Like sometimes there's a queue for the bus, and I sit down on a seat in the middle of the bench, and when the bus comes, I pretend I was in the middle of the queue the ENTIRE time! And sometimes Ginger Beard let's me do the weekly shop, and he's all like 'How are we supposed to survive on 8 ripe pears and tiny tins of coconut milk?' And I'm like 'Shut up and eat the fruit bitch!'

So, I'm glad we sorted that out.

I definitely feel better.

ALSO, this girl, who used to be my friend, told me it was okay to lean backwards when you're on a gym ball. It's not okay. You fall into one of those bikes nailed to the floor. And you get this big bruise on your back.. I hate that girl. Security were watching through the camera, and when I left the building they said 'Did you have a nice time in the gym?'

OBVIOUSLY NOT.

Hey, so mulled wine is like the best thing ever! Why do we only drink it near Christmas? I find, that if you pop lots of fruit in, it's practically a soup, which is a meal.

In case you were wondering, I've not had that much coffee today, only six cups.

I hope you've had a really nice time.

Pinnochio strikes back

Please try not to panic. I know the temptation here, is to run from whatever room you're currently in, screaming, and shave your head.

But I promise, it's going to be okay.

If I flex my surprisingly capable mathematical skills, I can work out that the average Nanowrimo-er should have written 31,666 words by the end of today. I'm not far off - I've written 0.

I can still totes do it.

As per the infinite words of George Micheal - You gotta have faith. Yeah, you gotta have faith.

So have some fucking faith.

Thanks.

ALSO

On my bus, there's a mystery farter.

Seriously, at least two mornings a week, the farter lets a big one go on the top deck, and clears it. I'm not kidding. About thirty of us flee our seats and wait on the stairs, sometimes 2 or 3 stops before our own stop. It's horrendous. It's a slap to the face.

I'm going to start making a note of the people around me every morning. By process of elimination I can source the guilty party. Then I will slap them with a rotten egg and declare, 'There, now we're even.'.

ALSO

I've been doing a lot of house hunting of late.

Did you know that what looks like a considerable about of damp, is just the wallpaper paste innocently coming through, which is perfectly normal? No, neither did I.

Or, that if you invite someone to view a flat, but don't have a key, they won't be able to view it?

Or even, that you can wait thirty minutes before finding out the estate agent's been in a 'car accident'.

I feel pretty shitty about this last one, because she actually was.

Or at least, they went into a lot of detail to secure the story, and I'd hate to believe that 'The airbag broke her jaw.' was a concoction between three of the lying bastards over coffee.

See, I'm trying to be a better person. It's just that I find everyone suspiciously fraudulent. Maybe it's because I make stuff up all the time. Yes, that could indeed be it.

I mean, isn't it just a teensy big convenient, that on the way to get us, a car smacked her bitch up?

SORRY

What I'm trying to say is, Get Well Soon.

People in this renting game want to charge you tons of money for doing sweet FA. If you ask them how the signing fees break down they're like:

'Sure, okay, so £50 for me to talk to you in this oh so patronising tone, £10 for me to grab a 'Bucks' (that's obvs Starbucks to the lamen), and muffin on the way back, £100 to loan you my pen, and I don't know, let's say another £30 because I'm a wanker.'

THANKS

So, basically, we've put an offer in that's like, half the rent, a point blank refusal to pay the fees, and the request for a free bed.

I'll let you know how that pans out.

Did you know Arthritis, is not pronounced Arthur-itus? I didn't.

Je ne parle pas anglais

Hello fellow chumps, how goes it?

I was watching the news the other day, and there was this story about a man who found a pigeon leg. Like, he was inspecting the chimney or something, and it fell down, this foot and leg, with a little red capsule round it. They interviewed the couple, and the wife said, 'It's like Christmas!'

IS IT?

You know what it is like? It's like it's Halloween, and some fucked up mental patient is feeding bird body parts into your house from the roof.

It would be great to be part of that family, because of their horrendously low expectations around gifts.

ALSO

This drunk girl dropped her scarf and didn't notice. Because I'm working very hard on being nicer (I've recently been accused of lacking empathy for the common man), I picked it up and gave it back to her.

She said, 'Oh my God, thank you, you've saved my life!'

Why are people taking the English language and abusing it?

I am a bit perturbed at the extent of dramatics, but also overjoyed at achieving hero status after investing such a small amount of effort. Sweet.

Then she fell on me at the pedestrian crossing.

Advice of the week: Have you seen a film with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, called 'Uncertainty'? No?
Don't watch it.

ALSO

It's day seven of Nanowrimo, and I've only just realised. How incredibly exciting. I have to write approximately 1666 words a day, so that on the 30th of November I have 50,000 shiny new words before me.I mean, it's not like I'm doing it as an act of desperation, to prove to everyone that I'm not, as some may perceive, languidly clawing at the pathetic wispy tail of my escaping dream. NO, THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL.

By my estimations I'm nearly 11662 words behind already.

Luckily I'm being thoroughly motivated by my favourite exercise bike, the screen of which is frozen on, 'You are doing a great training.' Even when you don't pedal! I've never felt so full of optimism and motivation.I do do a great training.

Please pass me the vodka.