I'm back, hurrah! Pretty confident this carries approximately the same impact as Arnie's once promised, then eventual return!
Where has she been, you ask. Scaling mountains? Trekking through the Amazon? Qualifying for Mensa, and attending weekly Mensa meets!
Well, no, not at all. But thanks for assuming such incredible feats for me.
I'm pleased to say I've actually achieved very little since writing my last blog. And if you must know what's been occurring since then, I've:
-Queued for an hour to attend a Bonfire Night extravaganza, to then not make it in, and see how many fireworks? How many was it? NONE.
-Become a laughing stock at work for believing a colleague's pearls were her Grandmother's, recovered from the Titanic.
-Had two large plastic bags, simultaneously blow across the street, attach themselves, one to each foot, and found myself, what I can only describe as 'fighting' them in front of a crowd of eager spectators.
-Been knocked into a fence by a dog.
-Overheard this fucker on his phone: 'And how much did he lose? Twenty thousand? We much be the most gullible bunch of billionaires going!'
-Applied for one volunteer writing job, in an attempt to resuscitate my pathetic wisp of dream, and been IGNORED.
-Accrued a ton of never-ending bruises from attempting to slot my bum between the brutal seat handles on moving tubes.
-Told everyone I was signing up for a half-marathon, and then didn't sign up. (Try it, it's great - All the praise, with none of the effort).
-Got diagnosed, by a Doctor, with hyper extension body.
Let's explore this last one:
When I say 'Doctor', I refer to Ginger Beard. For any new readers (as most of my recent audience is based in Bulgaria), Ginger Beard is my very fortunate boyfriend. Once upon a time he completed a Phd, and now considers himself more a Doctor of the world, than a Doctor relating specifically to the very narrow boundaries of his thesis.
But I digress. So when I say, 'Diagnosed', what I'm inferring, is that we were waiting for a train yesterday and he said, 'That's so weird.'
And I said, 'What?'
And he said, 'Your leg. Look at your leg.'
I looked at my leg, and I said, 'Huh?'
And he said, 'It's hyper extended.'
And I said, 'Like how I can twist my arms round each other many times, and dislocate my thumbs, and my jaw.'
And he said, 'Yes.'
Thus, ladies and gents, I've come to the logical conclusion that I have hyper extension body, or hyper extension bodimous if you'd prefer in in Latin.
If you Google it. You get this:
It's really no wonder that I've never felt like I truly fitted in. I have always felt different, and that, that difference, would inevitably hold me back from achieving my full potential. Thanks for listening.
