People (or specifically, men) keep dropping loose change at my feet.
Do I look like I offer some kind of service? And judging by the variation in coins, an array of services?
Or maybe, as I've been in flip flops every time, they want to help me buy some real shoes.
"Please put your feet away in shoes!!'
It happened again this morning, in Boots. A fifty pence piece landed on my big toe. I said to the man, 'I would get it, but...' and gestured to all of the £1 chicken mayo sandwiches in my arms.
That's right guys, bulk buying £1 sandwiches, that's where I've ended up in life.
But oh what a bargain!
ALSO,
A man grabbed my bum in Habitat.
Am I just a piece of meat to you guys, huh?
Is it because I wear respectable dresses in the day?
ALSO,
I had a lot of fun at the weekend, a kind of mischievous, addictive fun. James asked me to give him a list of pre-made decorative items that I'd bought for the wedding. It went a little like:
Me: Fifty brass keys, imported from the States.
GingerB: What?
Me: Keys James, American keys.
GingerB: For doors?
Me: *Sigh* For decoration.
GingerB: Where for?
Me: Oh my God, around, on surfaces.
GingerB: What else?
Me: Ten peacock feathers.
James: Fucking hell.
Hours of entertainment. Turns out, he had no idea about what I've been doing. And what I've been doing is spending all of our hard earned cash on overpriced objects that we will really struggle to re-use or re-sell.
What a team.
Recently, I found a bumblebee in my pants. A lot of you know this - you read it on Facebook. But unlike you guys, who can just mildly giggle, then move on with your lives, I can't. And why is that?
Because I found a bumblebee, a BUMBLEBEE, in my pants, IN MY PANTS.
I can't just brush that off. I can't just pretend that everything is normal now. I'm a compulsive pants checker. Just my own pants to clarify. I'm not going to volunteer to start checking your pants too. Check your own.
You really should. Why? Because there might just be a bumblebee chillaxing in them. #couldhavedied.
Think about it.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Friday, July 03, 2015
Inappropriate on so many levels
So, Alan took my shower slot.
It was just one time, but one time too many.
There's a chance I've killed him in my sleep because that was two weeks ago and I've not see him since.
Have you seen him?
He's very subtle. Like a puff of faint smoke. I can't tell you anything further about him, as I've not taken an interest thus far.
Someone should probably make sure he's alright.
ALSO
I took some photos of these people sleeping because they looked so cute. It's really weird (of me, I mean). I couldn't help it. And I guess it doesn't help that they're of a similar ethnic origin. And I guess it's really offensive of me in general. But they just seem so cosy. I'm particularly fond of the father son combo sleep. Here they are!
ALSO
I only had my flippin' floopin' Hen Do, and it was 'wee yourself in your pants and don't care' good. That's right guys, so good that if your pants were sopping wet with your own wee, you'd still be smiling.
Highlights:
- Ieva drowning but (and this is important), not dying. I mean, her heart probably stopped for a few seconds because the rest of us assumed her head would pop up again at some point, and watched. When it did dawn on me that I was about to lose an office buddy who regularly supplies me with cherry yoghurts and dried apples, I went in for the rescue.
Thankfully, those school experiences in the pool really paid off. You remember the ones - treading water in your PJ's, picking up heavy bricks from the floor. Invaluable. Which is why my panicked brain knew the only possible action was a good ol' bum lift. So I grabbed on to that bum, and pushed up with all my might. Not everyone is good under pressure guys. It's important to know your limits.
- Letting people draw all over my arms in pink permanent marker.
-Drinking these and being hangover free - https://www.faustspotions.com/
-My favourite female ginger nearly capsizing a boat we were in - on land.
-Champagne near the train toilets and telling men off for not putting the seat back down.
-Everyone confessing their dark secrets - the dirty scumbags,
ALSO
Don't appreciate this email from Hobbycraft (sorry Mum).
It was just one time, but one time too many.
There's a chance I've killed him in my sleep because that was two weeks ago and I've not see him since.
Have you seen him?
He's very subtle. Like a puff of faint smoke. I can't tell you anything further about him, as I've not taken an interest thus far.
Someone should probably make sure he's alright.
ALSO
I took some photos of these people sleeping because they looked so cute. It's really weird (of me, I mean). I couldn't help it. And I guess it doesn't help that they're of a similar ethnic origin. And I guess it's really offensive of me in general. But they just seem so cosy. I'm particularly fond of the father son combo sleep. Here they are!
ALSO
I only had my flippin' floopin' Hen Do, and it was 'wee yourself in your pants and don't care' good. That's right guys, so good that if your pants were sopping wet with your own wee, you'd still be smiling.
Highlights:
- Ieva drowning but (and this is important), not dying. I mean, her heart probably stopped for a few seconds because the rest of us assumed her head would pop up again at some point, and watched. When it did dawn on me that I was about to lose an office buddy who regularly supplies me with cherry yoghurts and dried apples, I went in for the rescue.
Thankfully, those school experiences in the pool really paid off. You remember the ones - treading water in your PJ's, picking up heavy bricks from the floor. Invaluable. Which is why my panicked brain knew the only possible action was a good ol' bum lift. So I grabbed on to that bum, and pushed up with all my might. Not everyone is good under pressure guys. It's important to know your limits.
- Letting people draw all over my arms in pink permanent marker.
-Drinking these and being hangover free - https://www.faustspotions.com/
-My favourite female ginger nearly capsizing a boat we were in - on land.
-Champagne near the train toilets and telling men off for not putting the seat back down.
-Everyone confessing their dark secrets - the dirty scumbags,
ALSO
Don't appreciate this email from Hobbycraft (sorry Mum).
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