Monday, July 30, 2012

Chump-lympics

Is anyone else too hot?

I've been too hot for like, ten days.

Remember when it was too cold? Bring that back! I miss that.

It is however proving to be a rather fabulous excuse about why I can't exercise. These days I have to get the bus home (or as Ginger calls it, 'The Peasant Wagon'). Currently, you settle in for a good twenty minutes of being boiled alive. You depart, a red, sweaty mess, and fall into your apartment, muttering a word which sounds vaugley like 'water'. It's very nice. I really can't recommend it highly enough. Your Ginger will then make several comments expressing his sheer disbelief at how destroyed you are.

No shit Sherlock, my Taxi man quit.Sometimes in the mornings, I eat really loud, and bang into everything, and sing horribly, just to let him know how I feel about it.

ALSO, I hit my mum in the face with a coat hanger at the weekend (accident), and it worries me that I found it so amusing. Honestly. My priority, above checking she was okay, was giving it to a good bout of hysterical laughter.

I'm not a good person.

I also read this book in two days called 'The perks of being a wallflower' which was completely absorbing. When I was younger I used to opt out of life in favour of a good book, and it really took me back to the rosy old days. Reading it was like being under hypnosis. It seemed much more real. I also watched this film, called, 'The Thirteenth Floor' which was all about fake realities within fake realities.

Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like?

Somehow, and I really don't know how, this abomination, called the Olympics, has been allowed to continue. I thought our combined British cynicism would weigh it down, and it would just like, sink to the bottom of the ocean. Ginger said he watched the opening ceremony and he might as well have been watching someone repetitively set five to wads of money.

I really don't know how every resident of London hasn't killed themselves due to the looped announcement from Boris Johnson in the tube stations, 'MILLIONS of people are coming, PLAN your journey carefully, or be trampled under their eager, sport loving feet.' Thanks Boris.

Why don't they get it, that all British people really want is a well made cup of tea? It would be soooooooo much cheaper. I mean, I never really excelled in mathematics. I barely dragged my number-challenged brain into the C grade bracket at GCSE, but I bet it would save a fortune.




Thursday, July 19, 2012

Philip was right

The bus journey yesterday taught me two valuable things:

1.Charlotte got chinned by Luke, and her mates are like totes going to hunt Luke down and kill him.

2: Some peoples' lives are a lot worse than mine. Like the guy who initially couldn't take the call, because he was on the bus, but then five minutes later was screeching 'Stop being such a fucking bitch' with real gusto into his phone.

I hope this wisdom also aids you on life's journey.

ALSO, I'm sorry I've left you alone for so long. It's been a demanding few weeks, and yours truly looks like sleep-deprived shit.

On the plus side, I did sent a spam email to everyone I've ever emailed. That was a real hoot. I looked lovingly into my inbox one day to note that my father had sent me a personal message. How lovely, and on my birthday! I then proceeded to re-enter my password in pursuit of assumed amusing/affectionate message. Love really does make you blind, and a complete tard at that. My disloyal inbox then fired off the same trick to my whole address book. Thanks.

The real bastard here, is that my farther already knew that he'd been hacked. He's just so damn chillaxed, that he forgot to mention it. He did inform me that his computer is now clean, so he doesn't really know what the problem is. And I'm sure all the individuals I'd previously emailed about writing jobs will feel the same.

To quote Philip Larkin, 'This be the verse' -

'They fuck you up your Mum and Dad
They may not mean to, but they do.'

Well said Philip, well said.

I've got this other issue at the moment, where I keep trying to buy things in shops without any money. it always goes like this:

Shop Assistant: Great, that'll be £7.15 please.
Me: Oh no. Oh crap. I've not got enough money.

I'm so special. I keep leaving my debit cards around the flat to fend for themselves.

Recently, I looked over my attempted purchases and was like,

'Okay, put the toothpaste back, and put the butter back.'

You know what this left me with? You know what I'd decided was essential over toothpaste?

Three packets of Brivita Breakfast Biscuits (on offer).

Try cleaning your teeth with that.

I give up on myself completely.