Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Pay up

I'm determined to get a free coffee from Pret - because nothing tastes better than free.

I'm trying out different personas to see if I can crack them.

This morning I was a nice person, like a seriously lovely person. I gave them my best smile (that's right my BEST one - I don't even whack this bad boy out for close family), and I was impeccably mannered. My eyes said, 'I see your value, you delightful coffee bringing person.' And behind my brief words, like 'Yes, please,' and 'Thank you,' I was saying, 'I do charity work, and am kind to children, the perfect candidate for one of your free coffees.'

BUT I DIDN'T GET ONE.

Last week I tried down and out. But there's a thin line between that, and grumpy. Luckily I once played Emmeline Pankhurst in a school play, and so acting is kind of my thing.

I tried to express that I was riddled with undeserved bad luck, in need of a caffeine fuelled break. I was like, 'look guys, life's shitting on me right now, and I'm not sure why. I'll probably kill myself. That is unless someone showed me a small gesture of kindness. Then I think I'd be just swell again.'


BUT I DIDN'T GET ONE.

I'm running out of personas, and fast.

There's nothing left do to but Google.

'Clive Schlee, chief executive of the coffee giant, revealed he has given his staff the power to hand out a coffee on the house to people they like or fancy.'


Shit the bed. That's where I've been going wrong - getting served by women, who are statistically unlikely to be both:

-Gay

AND

-Attracted to sour faced administrators.

GOD DAMN IT.

Conflicting advice:

''Don't try to flirt a freebie off a barista or try to make them feel sorry for you - it's all about radiating happiness, a wide smile, and spreading the joy.

Any advice for people who can't feel joy? Nope, not one bit,

I can do a lot of things - nice, sure, put upon, sure, BUT HAPPY? FUCKING HAPPY?

It's an absolute joke, and only one thing is clear to me; I will never get a free coffee from Pret.

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