I'd like to introduce you all to a very special person in my life, the delectable, the delightful, the damn right desirable, Miss Ann Potts. The very Ann Potts who receives more mail, more heartfelt family letters and get well cards than I, to my address. For over six months her friends and relatives have loyally kept me filled in on their busy lives, and thanks to them, I already have five Christmas cards. It's so nice to finally be loved.
I've decided to share the life of Ann Potts, instead of selfishly hoarding it. My personal favourite which arrived over the weekend is 'The Varley Family Xmas Newsletter 2010.' Including these precious highlights:
'Matthew has finally returned to Gressenhall!"
I think you'll all be as relieved as me to hear this. We thought he'd never go back.
"Nick has had the least changes, although, he did buy a sports car."
I feel very sorry for Nick. 2010 has raped him of joy.
"Jo is benefiting from the reduced travelling demands."
Praise the lord.
"Barbara has read lots of books." She sounds almost as depressed as Nick.
"We have spent several days "out" just enjoying ourselves."
What, pray tel, can these inverted commas be suggesting? Strip Club? Gay Bar? Morrisons?
"Perhaps we will visit you next year?" I really hope they do. I'd get the crisps in.
Now, what kind of pen pal would I be, if I didn't write back?
"It's been a very exciting year for myself and Ginger Beard. We're sorry to hear that Nick and Barbara are suicidal this close to Christmas. Luckily, your other children sound like they lead much more exciting lives. In what is becoming a rather predictable habit, we've been inhaling oxygen, purchasing train tickets, and even wearing shoes! Ginger Beard has consumed an array of pasta dishes. On a rather personal note, I've been calculating my correct tax deduction for the year. Please come and visit soon, and/or send further enthralling letters.
Best Wishes,
WriterAtLunch
No comments:
Post a Comment