Doctors and Nurses

Sent: 24 March 2011 12:44
To: James Glover
Subject: Your results

Dear Mr Glover,

I am contacting you on behalf of the Morley Medical Practice. When they are too embarrassed to deliver results themselves, I am contracted to inform the patient. Recently you requested many parts of your body, mind, and personality to be tested by the practice. I can tell you that we now have results. The findings are as such:

1)      You are not a real Doctor. The likelihood has been cross examined with the physical evidence and deemed ‘suspiciously fraudulent’.

2)      Though, much like the soul, the personality cannot be technically observed, you do not appear to have one. We recommend that you study modern literature and television in order to develop an auto pilot state which may pass for a mildly amusing human (as those tend to go down the best).

3)      You have Gingeritous. This is a surprisingly popular condition amongst older men, affecting the skin, hair and ability to be interesting. Your case is the worst they’ve come across. And there is nothing they can do. To ease the suffering, Dr Uptonogood, has prescribed suicide, to be attempted once a week, after eating, with water.

4)      There is no biological link between you and your parents. Reason: abandoned at birth. Cause: shame.

5)      Your hands are the same size as a kitten’s paws. Finger stretches have been recommended. Just try not to pass wind. Also, hold a 5p coin, then a brussel sprout, then a tomato, then a tennis ball. When you can eventually hold someone else’s hand in your own, you will know that your previously weird hands are now normal.

6)      Ear creases. Diagnosis: Frickin dodgy. Treatment: Hot iron applied to both sides of the head.

Kind Regards
Sam Fakedoctor

WhenNoOneElseWillDoIt Inc

**********

RE: Your results

Hello Sam,

I think you may be confusing me with someone else. As I am a real doctor, with massive, massive hands who is a master of quick wit and repartee.

It may be that I share my address with my life partner, and it may be her details you have mistakenly used. This has happened before, so please do not worry, in her desperation to marry me she constantly calls herself Glover, and in her sexual confusion often she (wrongly) assumes she is a man. On thinking about it, she is not a doctor, has very little personality and suffers from a very serious case of ginger skin. So serious is her ginger skin that she is unable to tan; instead in the sun she gets joinedfreckle syndrome. It must certainly be her. My apologies on this matter. When I return home, I will hide tiny banjo playing mice in her eye cream to teach her a lesson.

However whilst I have your attention I was wondering if you think I should upgrade to a younger/funnier model? As you know my current life partner has some terrible downsides; for example she partakes in the 5 second rule. This was particularly embarrassing after she dropped a crisp into a shit our neighbour had brought round as a housewarming gift.

I have also noticed that she has a cold black heart, and suffers from sudden and almost total lethargy when called upon to do simple household chores.

When threatened or stressed her body has developed a defence mechanism to protect herself. It covers her face and body with spots, making her look unappealing even as a victim.

Also she burps. Right in my face. Dead on, 100%,  no mistaking, shes a nastly little face burper.

Thanks,

James Glover, MEng PhD

Institute of Medical and Biological Engineering

School of Mechanical Engineering

University of Leeds

Leeds

LS2 9JT