New Year, Same old you.

I don't believe I've ever achieved a New Year's Resolution.

Which is why I've adopted a new approach, which I'm titling, 'The Roll Over'. In essence, if you don't achieve it one year, you have to bash it back on the list for the next.

I shit you not, for the first two weeks of January, I have been loyally following the below:

*Watch less television *Learn to play the guitar *Drink more water *Stop biting your nails *Bring your own lunch into work *Sign up to a charity run *Go for a run four times a week *Floss *Don't drink alcohol for a month *Give up Starbucks *Cook all dinner's from scratch

BOOM

I feel like complete shit.

Mostly it's because I've been to the gym seven times in ten days. Luckily there's a man at the gym, who uses the rower and vocally performs his own porno - which is lovely when you've forgotten your Ipod.

ALSO

I have cats!

By which I've mean I keep stealing someone else's cats!

It started off quite nicely - they'd make a cheeky dash inside the flat, I'd track them down and shoo them out. Until Saturday. On Saturday I let one stay for a day. I think that makes me a cat burglar. I mean, I like me, but I just like me better when I have cats.

On Sunday, a few friends came round, and we got talking about aforementioned animals. And they were all like, 'There's no way they just sit outside your door waiting to come in.' So I opened the front door, and voilà a different cat! How exciting! I only kept that one for three hours - which I think is progress.

Don't look at me like that - like you've never 'borrowed' someone else's stuff. Like you're better than me. We all do things we're not proud of, but the important thing is that we learn from those mistakes.

Every night when I get home, I leave the front door open for a while, hoping to get a cat.

ALSO

My umbrella exploded recently, and hit my mum's car.And the company were all 'Our umbrella's don't usually explode, can you please send a photo?'

A photo?

Like I marked the area out in white chalk and took swabs.

I mean JEEZ. So I gave them a detailed blow-by-blow instead. And as I'm like a PROPER writer, it was rather nice.And then they sent me a new umbrella.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is the one thing that's gone right in my life so far in 2013.

LET'S CELEBRATE!!!