Tuesday, January 22, 2013

From the cliff edge of death


The woman whose cats I've been stealing, caught me doing it.

I opened the door of my flat to let them out, and she was going into hers. I didn't make it weird. I just said, 'Morning!' and fled. It was 6pm.

I didn't see either cat for five days.

Then I saw Salem (I named him), and he ran away petrified. I can only assume she's been showing him pictures of my face, and then slapping him, in some fucked up 'Pavlov's Dogs' approach.

If your thinking this blog is about cats, it's really not. I hardly ever write about cats.


I decided on Friday night, to go for a run in the snow at 8am the next day. The reason being, that after two weeks of Resolution keeping, I am now indestructible. My good friend (let's call him Thomas, for that is his name), told me that I was an idiot, who would fall over and hurt myself.

I really showed him, when I fell over and hurt myself.

It was alright in the end. But just not the first bit, when I lay screaming, demanding an ambulance.

I knew that I'd broken my ankle.

So you can imagine my surprise, when five minutes later I was walking fine! What a miracle!


Then right, and you're not going to beeellliiieevve this one, last night, three teenagers tried to kill me.

There's a steep alley way leading up to my flat from the main road, which I've affectionately named 'Death Alley' (because it's a perfectly logical place to get stabbed. So much so, that as soon as the knife was in, you'd have to admit you'd been asking for it).

So I was carefully making my way up, when I heard a whooshing noise from above, shortly followed by a chorus of 'Hit her!'. I looked up. A sledge was coming for me, loaded with morons,  like a black panther after a giselle (I'm just trying to bring the story to life for you). I pressed my back against the wall. They turned the lip of the sledge to the wall. That's right fellow reader! They were trying to mow me down!

With Olympian-esque speed, I ran in front of it to the other side, as all three of the scumbags zoomed past, scraping themselves against the brick.

Well I was a mess.

I got home, and made myself a fruit tea, reminiscing about the Great Snowball Fight of 2010, which for those of you who don't remember, is where I took on, and defeated a group of children (Please see blog entitled, 'The Rutter - 1 The Little Shits - 0')

I live to see another day, and what a snow covered, pants day it is.

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