Wednesday, June 05, 2013

You're a loooooosserrrr

Hello British readers and Slovenian alike!

How the hell are you?

I'm great thanks, due to spending two nights 'sleeping' on a table masquerading as a mattress.

I've also found myself in a very undesirable position, for the first time in my young, splendid life. Eating alone. Every morning, I have to sit BY MYSELF and eat breakfast BY MYSELF, with a lot of suited business men who are also BY THEMSELVES.

It's fucking horrifying.

No one has prepared me for this situation.

My parents never said, 'Now Gemma, one day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day, you might have to eat alone, and when that day arrives, what you do is.....'


I take a magazine, but I'm not reading it. Instead I'm internally dying of self aware shame. I forget how to butter toast. Can I only butter toast when someone I know supervises me? Because I'm totally shit at in when unattended.

I've googled tips, but I really don't find the below particularly appealing:

I'm not going to smile at anyone else there. I'm not even going to acknowledge they exist. It's what everyone else does. Like we're in our own kitchens, eating seriously below par muesli alone.

Another piece of advice, is to take pictures of your food, so that other diners think you're a Food Critic.

Can you be a Food Critic of Kelloggs Cornflakes?

It really does feel like being single, with no friends. I have to keep reminding myself it's not true. But even the waitress talks to me like it's true.

She's all 'Coffee for one? Hmm? Toast for one?'

No, you know what, I'll have toast for three. YOU DICK.

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