Piss Poor

Okay, so I know I haven't written in like, yeeeaaars.

BUT, fear not. Because I can quickly fill you in on the highlights of my new London lifestyle (Spoiler Alert - it's terribly glamorous).

-A Putney runner overtook me, in bright white shorts, who'd quite evidently

1) Shat himself
2) Done an explosive poo fart.

-I sat in my cereal. I was totes late for work.

-I met Les Dennis, and when I say met I mean my friend went, 'Les Dennis!' and he went, 'Hi there.', and I went, 'Who's Dennis?'

-I watched a drunk man in orange corduroy trousers piss himself on the tube.

-I lost the first 17 layers of my finger nails to a group of rather viscous Vietnamese women who all work in Salons titled after American states. My hands are a fucking joke. If it wasn't CONSTANTLY too hot, I'd wear gloves.

Jealous? I THOUGHT SO.

There are many things I prefer about London. Here are some of the things I totally, do not, prefer:

1) They steal your shoes. I'm not sure that this really needs anything context, but should you desire it - I left my shoes at work, and they got taken in 'The Great Shoe Theft of 13'. Apparently it was enforcing the clear desk policy, and you could pick your shoes up from them (albeit shamefaced over your dirty, dirty standards) the following day. Only mine were missing. I've been seeking compensation for 6 weeks. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. And once I discover who THEY actually are, I'm going to TAKE THEIR SHOES.

How do they even sleep at night?

I'll tell you - quite comfortably, in an expensive pair of Red or Dead boots. Fuckers.

As I only use one pair of shoes at work, I spent the following 3 weeks bringing in, and wearing, every pair of shoes I own. Only to discover that NONE of them fit. I'm not even toying with you for effect. I threw away ten pairs of unworn shoes.

They think they're teaching me a lesson, when it fact, they're unraveling a lifetime of misguided purchases.

2) The tubes are worse than the trains! To think I spent so many blogs whinging about being eye level with a crotch. I had no idea what horrors awaited me here. Highlights so far

-Someone completing their crossword on my  right shoulder blade
-Ginger Beard kicking at the floor of a packed carriage to achieve leg room, only to discover that a small, Japanese girl was down there.
-Crying two stops away from home because so many disgusting people have their skin against my skin.

I LOVE IT HERE.

WHAT A GREAT DECISION.