Don't kiss me please

I'm writing a novel!

Okay, maybe not right this second.

And maybe I found it in a folder entitled '2009' and have spent the past few hours merely editing, but still.

I'm sure that at some point I'll actually write a new bit.

And I'm not remotely paralysed by the possibility that the best writing I'll ever produce was born in 2009, and will forever remain in 2009, not at all.

Why are you so judgey all of a sudden, huh?

ANYWAY

I've signed up for a one day writing retreat in November. The jist is that you get locked in a room for seven hours with no internet and lots of cake, and you have to hand over your mobile.

I'm pretty sure you can leave when you want, but I'm going to pretend it's like prison.

I'm optimistic that by forcing myself to face my biggest fear - the bright, white blank page (or worse - my own writing closely resembling a Dan Brown novel - eek) I will find out whether or not I really want to do this anymore.

Because maybe I want to be an accountant instead, or a retail assistant, or something equally interesting.

Hopefully not.

I don't know if any of you lot have a dream that you only ever talk about, and never actually work for, but it's really, really hard.

There's a chance that I'll head to the retreat, throw up and go home. Maybe I could write a story about it!

ALSO

I was recently in Berlin, and Ginger Beard got shitty with me, because I kissed him in the Holocaust Memorial.

Is that bad?

I'm not talking a frenchie.

I'm talking a peck.

Can you not peck when you're learning about genocide?

Is it possibly my mother's fault for not raising me properly?

It made me wonder about what other inappropriate things I've been doing, maybe things that no one has flagged.

Like, I've started yawning and putting an open fist over my mouth, instead of laying my hand flat. Do you see what I'm saying here? I'm basically creating a tunnel for people to see into my mouth.

I'm also the only person I know who was thrown out of The Brownies. Apparently it was for stealing. I didn't get a fair trial. I actually think it was a cheap plot by the other brownies, who were intimidated by what a great brownie I was.

THE POINT IS....

I used to think my manners were pretty top notch. But maybe I'm just a disrespectful thief?

It's not like I kissed him in Dubai.

If I'd kissed him in Dubai, he'd be naked in the shower block of an all male prison, with a group of stocky males asking if he wanted to be friends.


I'm pretty sure that was inappropriate. Sorry.