Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Smooth criminal

Guys, I just ate a whole chocolate orange, like it was actually an orange.

I don't know if there's a word for the start of that process, but there's a word for the end of it -obesity

I broke down each segment into a negative feeling I had, and then I ate them. I ate my delicious feelings.

I think I might be sick, but I'll try to finish this blog first.

So, some potential replacements for my lovely housemates, Fats & Fats, were shown round on Wednesday at 4pm.

At 3pm, I trashed the kitchen. I went to town.

It's possible that I over did it, because no one, not even feral monkeys, would live like that.

Hopefully it paid off though, because at 4:30pm, I had to clear it up again. Sucks.

Is this legal?

Google says that I can be sued if I am seen to be disrupting a potential business opportunity.

Therefore, I would like to add that I am a dirty, dirty slob, and would've left cheerios on the floor and tiny pieces of ham on the front of the fridge regardless of the showing.

I'M JOKING.

I'M SERIOUS.

There, that should cover me.

What else is new?

My legs buckled on the the underground when I took a duffel bag to the back of the calf.

I watched a blind man beat up a woman with his walking stick as he tried to negotiate a tunnel.

I was hit by the top of a cello in the neck.

I kicked a pigeon into the side of a bin.

I overheard this conversation in Sainsburys between a customer and the shop assistant packing her bags:

Customer: You know, the last time I was in here, something awful happened to me.

Cashier: What happened?

Customer: Someone pushed in front of me, and I complained, and he punched me in the head.

Cashier: In the head? I'm sorry to hear about that.

Customer: Yes. He assaulted me.

Cashier: I'm sorry to hear about that.

Customer: Your security guard escorted him out, and then he came back, and took me to my car, in case I was attacked again.

Cashier: I'm sorry to hear about that.

Customer: It's an awful world, when you just come out to get some basics, and you get punched.

Cashier: Do you have a Nectar card?





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