Inappropriate on so many levels

So, Alan took my shower slot.

It was just one time, but one time too many.

There's a chance I've killed him in my sleep because that was two weeks ago and I've not see him since.

Have you seen him?

He's very subtle. Like a puff of faint smoke.  I can't tell you anything further about him, as I've not taken an interest thus far.

Someone should probably make sure he's alright.

ALSO

I took some photos of these people sleeping because they looked so cute. It's really weird (of me, I mean). I couldn't help it. And I guess it doesn't help that they're of a similar ethnic origin. And I guess it's really offensive of me in general. But they just seem so cosy. I'm particularly fond of the father son combo sleep. Here they are!

ALSO

I only had my flippin' floopin' Hen Do, and it was 'wee yourself in your pants and don't care' good. That's right guys, so good that if your pants were sopping wet with your own wee, you'd still be smiling.

Highlights:

- Ieva drowning but (and this is important), not dying. I mean, her heart probably stopped for a few seconds because the rest of us assumed her head would pop up again at some point, and watched. When it did dawn on me that I was about to lose an office buddy who regularly supplies me with cherry yoghurts and dried apples, I went in for the rescue.

Thankfully, those school experiences in the pool really paid off. You remember the ones - treading water in your PJ's, picking up heavy bricks from the floor. Invaluable. Which is why my panicked brain knew the only possible action was a good ol' bum lift. So I grabbed on to that bum, and pushed up with all my might. Not everyone is good under pressure guys. It's important to know your limits.

- Letting people draw all over my arms in pink permanent marker.
-Drinking these and being hangover free - https://www.faustspotions.com/
-My favourite female ginger nearly capsizing a boat we were in - on land.
-Champagne near the train toilets and telling men off for not putting the seat back down.
-Everyone confessing their dark secrets - the dirty scumbags,


ALSO

Don't appreciate this email from Hobbycraft (sorry Mum).