Hostess with the mostess

Today is a very special day for me. Very special indeed.

Today, I am going to poke the bear.

Don't turn this into something dirty; I know what you're like.

I'm basically going to approach a bear I don't happen to like very much (like a ninja) and let loose into his face with an AK-47.

I'm not saying I've brought a gun to work.

Let's all calm down.

I'm saying that a grotesque douche bag is going to be taking bullets to the face all day.

HA HA HA HA HA.

I'm so excited, it hurts. The suspense is causing me physical pain.

What a great Monday.

ALSO

I held a dinner party on Saturday, with the intention of hosting a very civilised affair. I am so naive. It didn't help that at the exact moment I was feeling smug, along the lines of 'Look at you Gemma, you've made a salad. And it seems to be such a great salad. Well done.' I opened the fridge and got taken out by a landslide.

Some badly placed items, mostly made from metal, fell onto my face. Smugness destroyed. I messaged the guy I was renting from and he said:

'Oh dear. Hope you are okay.'

Wha?

I COULD HAVE DIED.

What an awful way to go, crushed by kitchen trays and chopping boards. I deserve better than that.

I drank a lot of wine, to train my liver and kidneys for the wedding. Alcohol push ups. We then spent approximately five hours miming to 10 second song slips and videoing it. And they say I've forgotten how to party.

19 DAYS GUYS.

Until the streets are flooded with the tears of men who realise they're no longer in the running.

Gutted.

Two men have recently handed in their notices at work, and we all know why - they can't stand to watch me go through with it. They need to remove themselves.

I get it. Do what you need to.

Ginger Beard also survived his Stag Do on Saturday. I was very surprised when one of them wasn't curled up on the doorstep, and even more so when there wasn't a trail of blood along the hallway. When I located them and asked them what the hell they thought they were playing at, one of his brothers held up his tapped and black hand, and mentioned 4 hours in A&E. Only then could I relax, happy in the knowledge that they had done things properly. They made Ginger vomit in the street. Someone was pushed into a car.

Very nice work indeed.