6/11/11
The Blue Bar across the road only plays Craig David, one album on repeat. At Coco Loco the green Thai curry tastes exactly the same as the one they serve in Ban Thai in Morley (but it costs about a pound here). Tonight, a lady gave us connect four to play while we waited for our food. We were the only customers. She helped me lose.
8/11/11
Everyone here is a jack of all trades. They taxi the guests around the island, cook in the kitchen, and clean the leaves from the pool. Why do all of the men have such long fingernails? It creeps me out.We need to get to 1 of 4 piers today, the only one which has a ferry to get us to Ko Samui. Ginger Beard is going mental, because we can't figure out which pier it is. I pick the one I like the sound of - Big Buddha, and tell him we should wing it. This does not go down well. He stomps around with a red face. In the end we don't have a choice, because no one understands us, and we don't understand them. It makes me happy, and laugh a lot. Big Buddha turns out to be the right choice.
Ginger Beard is also a bit grumpy because he has just turned 30. Luckily this is the 5* part. We're staying for two nights in a two jacuzzi villa. We sit in our kimonos drinking cocktails, and eating the surprise birthday cake that the staff have made ('Happy Birthday Mr James').
10/11/11
It is worth coming all the way to Thailand for the Saraan Spa. We drank honey tea, and went upstairs, where Ginger Beard had to don some striking netted, tight black pants, for his full body massage. I was told to strip to my pants. We were instructed to come through when we were ready. We would never be ready. We looked like a cheap 80's porno act that would do anything for the right price. We bickered:
Ginger: You go first.
Me: No, I've got my boobs out!
Ginger: Everyone can see my balls!
Me: So? Man the fuck up son. Do you love me or not?
Ginger went first.
It was just us, and two thai ladies. Fifteen things were lovingly applied and removed from my face. Cucumber strips sat on my eyes. Alarmingly (for it was at first), I then received a full body massage! It's not nice when your face is frozen with clay, you're blind, and a stranger starts rubbing your toes. But I reasoned that the sheer sight of me in my current state, would drive most people to cop a feel. And I let it be.
We drank Ginger tea. I have never felt so at peace. We keep smiling. The staff were smiling. It's unnatural, and frankly disturbing, but I'm so bloody happy.
Later, I OD on coconut. It is actually possible, when you spend two hours, scooping the stuff out and gobbling it. Have very long lie down to recover.
Indian head massage with oil. It was a bit over zealous for my liking, but there's a lot to be said for attention, even if it takes the form of pain. What is awesome, is that she tied my hair up, and when I put my kimono on, I looked in the mirror and thought, 'I am giesha'.
The Bite Chart
Looking at the below pictures, you're going to realise two things. One, it's almost criminal that I didn't pursue a career as an artist, and two, that is exactly, exactly what I look like without my clothes on.
*Massive itchy
*Betty Bojangles
*double teamed near the tush
*This ones getting really fucked up
*Right on the cankle
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