Drive by splash back

When you haven't exercised for three months, and you decide to do a 30minute fat burner programme on the bike, there's one inevitable question:

Have you broken your arse?

And the answer is always going to be - Yes.

Last time this happened to me, there was no one witness my attempt to get off. This time there was a girl, a running a girl. And though her back was to me, my reflection was in the TV screen she was facing. I waited a while, just sitting there, until the feeling returned to my legs. Then I fell to the left, and hoped my feet would remember that they hold my body up.

I considered getting some water. The water was just too God damned far away. I did a very fancy shuffle to the car, and people crossed the road to avoid me.

Tonight is Zumba night with work. If they find my daily conduct inept, wait until they see my dancing. Secretly (because I can be very subtle) I am going to mix the Macarena in with a bit of Saturday night, and repeat for the full hour.

I'm a little bit scared, because this one time, at band camp, my friend said, 'Hey, fancy trying out this dance class?', and I said, 'that sounds like a swell idea, buddy'. And we went. And it turned out to be an advanced class. And I was HUMILIATED. Because while everyone else had obviously been born wearing ballet shoes, and had memorised the full routine from Cats, I only knew how to tussle up my hair, and wind it on down to the floor (after growing up in Oceana nightclub, single). This did not really agree with my personal mantra, of always trying to be awesome.

It's quite lucky then, that my legs still don't work, and just in time for tonight's debacle.

Oh, don't worry - of course I'll remember to write, and tell you just how horrific it really was. You know you can rely on me.

Like the other day, when I chucked a jug of hot water at the windscreen, and Ginger Beard chose that moment to put the wipers on, and it all shot back into my face. And those early morning commuters, once so desperate to speed into work, slowed down to take in the dripping girl, and chuckled behing the wheel. THANKS.