Sorry Mum

So, I wanted to book a meal at this restaurant.

And I was emailing on my phone.

And instead of being a normal person, to which nice normal things happen, I put, 'Kind Retards, Gemma'.

Then, I went to Co-op and picked up some milk, put it in my basket and stood in the queue, and was like why do my legs feel so wet? And looked down. And half of the bottle was on my tights and in my boots.

So I went over to the security guard, and pointed out the situation, and he said, 'It's okay, I can get you a different one.'

And I was like, 'God thanks, because my main concern here, was that you might charge me for wearing the milk.'

Also, I was on this bus, and the driver pulled over for five minutes, so I went up and I said, 'Is something wrong with the bus?'

And he said, 'No, we're just early, and some people are really impatient.'

So I said, 'No, some people have just been waiting ages, and would like to know what's happening.'

To which he went, 'Whatever' and then started the bus.

I went home. Ginger Beard said 'Hey, how was your-'

And I just started hysterically crying, yammering on about kind retards, and milky legs, and shitty bus drivers.

I really have a lot of empathy for those people who are scared to leave their houses. The world is awful. I might steal a loaf of Warbutons or something just so I can get put up in one of those nice hotels, where you get free food and education (also known as prison).

The washing machine broke, so I invoked the Karate Kid, and kicked it right in the face, and it started working. We were brought up on the idea that violence is never the answer. I think violence is always the answer.

I went to this open air classical music concert, and started talking for like 4 seconds, and this woman tapped me on the shoulder and said, 'Excuse me, do you think you could keep it down, I'm trying to listen to the music.' And my friend was smoking, and I asked him if he could put his cigarette out on her eye. Which although it totally OTT, is very illuminating towards my state of mind.

Half an hour later, we started a song, which involved singing the phrase, 'Don't be loud' at various volumes to something from The Nutcraker.

Why don't you just slap me with an ASBO and be done with it.

Fuck my life.