Friday, February 08, 2013

All cats go to heaven

So....

In terms of all those unrealistic resolutions,  the one I'm most proud of violating, is the no alcohol one. You'll be pleased to know I violated it good and proper, on many occasions.

It's just that I use alcohol as a balm to paste over my shattered dreams, to fill in the ever-increasing crack between the life I want and the life I have, and most importantly, to make boring people instantly more interesting.

And no one can tell me that's wrong. No one.

ALSO

The cats. I know, I know. Shut up about the fricking cats. Well you should be ashamed of yourself, because the cats are dead. You know that old murderous line 'If I can't have you no one will', well that's exactly what's happened here. She's punished them for loving too much.

How do I know this?

Because I've been watching a lot of 'Dexter', making me an expert at sniffing out criminals, this peppered with catching five seconds here and there of 'The Mentalist', and having spent most of my childhood trying to get my brother to eat mud pies which would of most certainly killed him, that's how.

There were no cat prints in the snow.

Cats can't fly!

And thus, they are dead.

Please now have a respectful moment of silence.

ALSO

Filo pastry is a smug bitch. I don't get it AT ALL. I never thought I'd encounter something in my kitchen which pisses me off more than cellophane. Seriously, I just tried to take a sheet from the packet, and I had no idea what was happening. So, in much the same way I react to spiders, I slowly backed away, and respected its space.

ALSO

I had this voucher for like £25, and I spent it on Amazon, as was like 'Gosh, 25 whole pounds! Better treat myself to an electric toothbrush charger!' And then I looked at the receipt, and they've ignored the voucher which had expired, and just charged my card anyway.

HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?

If I'd know, that it wasn't free money, I never would've bought three pairs of winter socks, a Thunder Cats Yoyo, and The Wonder Years on DVD.

Amazon makes me sick.

Little update on my 10k progress; If any of you out there are thinking of using running to get skinny, forget it. it's not that I haven't lost a lot of fat, I have, just from my fingers. I'm pretty much exactly the same, except now I have to wear my rings on my necklace. If you're wondering what someone looks like when their head stays the same size, but their fingers turn to twigs, and they're running four times a week, please see  a recent photograph of me below.








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