Becoming Janet

Just in case some of you are missing Ginger Beard (My Geordie other half) as much as me, I thought I'd share this snippet of classic conversation. And I guess if you didn't know him before, you really will now.

Ginger Beard: So, at work once, they put all the women on assertiveness training. It can be really difficult for them not to feel intimidated in a male dominated environment.

Me: Really? That's great. Did it work?

Ginger Beard: Not really. They just went around being complete bitches for a few weeks.

There, feel better now?

I thought so.

ALSO

People keep phoning my house at all hours asking for Janet. I started to feel this incredible pressure to be Janet. They all seem so excited at the prospect of talking to her. It's like, she must be so charismatic to have this many friends!

I phoned Plusnet to complain about it.

David: Basically, you have to tell them to stop it.

Me: Okay.

David: You have to be all, 'this number has been recycled and reassigned to me, and this is unacceptable.'

Me: What if that doesn't work?

David: Then you phone the police and report it as harassment.

Me: Wow, okay, like a crime?

David. Yes, it is a crime. And then phone me back with the crime reference number and I will give you a new number.

So, what? I've practically got to perform a citizen's arrest to get some peace?

It seems easier to just take Janet on like a a second personality. I'm going to try out a few accents and intonations on the next ten or so calls. I'm bound to get her voice right eventually. I guess that in time I can model my second self on the information I get, but for now I'm going to be:

-Hooked on crack cocaine.
-A veterinarian
-An optimist

This morning I lost my balls.

Stranger: Hi, Janet?
Me: Yep.
Stranger: Is that you Janet?
Me: No, not it's not.

I think it's because Janet would never say 'Yep' like that. Tomorrow Janet will try saying, 'Fuck yeah.'