I've still got cake left!
Just in case you wanted some. Let me know.
I was on the train the other day, and there were two thick girls in the aisle.
I know that sounds harsh, but wait for it.
Me: Would you both mind moving there (two empty seats) so I can get past.
Me: It's just that I can't get to my seat.
One of them moves out the way, one of them stays where she is.
Me: If this is going to work, it will require both of you to do that.
THEN, and I shit you not, the one girl who'd moved out of the way, shifts back into the aisle.
Me: The initial problem stands.
Girl one: But I did what you asked!
Me: Yes, but BOTH OF YOU NEED TO GO. AT THE SAME TIME.
It's the 5:07pm train between Manchester and Leeds. I've had a bad day. I've got an audience.
Girl one: I don't get it.
Me: For fuck's sake. (Old people in carriage gasp).
And then I basically pushed them into the space, because as it turns out I have a very Nottingham temper. For anyone who doesn't know Nottingham that well, people who spend a lot of time there stick loyally to the below:
-Swearing is always necessary, the more the merrier.
- If there's no path through a crowd, you fucking make a path (sorry, I'm props back in my Midlands mentality right now).
-Someone's just been shot? Tell me something I don't know.
It's like that time I went swimming, and this girl ignored the anti-clockwise lane system, and I splashed water in her face. Or when this other girl got too close to me at a Kate Nash concert and I pushed her over. Or when.....I think you get it.
Maybe I have some serious anger issues. Does anyone know a really great, Leeds-based therapist, so I can talk my issues through. I'm pretty sure it all boils down to one incident in my childhood, when my Dad bought be a bike and it wasn't anywhere near the colour I'd specified.
You have no idea about what I had to put up with.