Monday, March 18, 2013

I can be your hero baby

So.....You know when you're watching Brucey strut his stuff in Die Hard, and you're all I wonder what that feels like, to be an action hero, to be forever battling life and death, to start every day knowing it could be your....

Well now you don't have to!

Wonder about it, I mean. Because now (how exciting is this!) you can just ask me.

That's right. Yours truly has experienced a moment which would not look out of place in Mission Impossible.

Can I firstly ask that you don't treat me any differently. I'm the same person, it's just that you'll now be immensely aware of my super human abilities.


There I was, making my way to the station, staring at the back of this person's head going, Man? Woman? Is it? Could it be? Definitely a man, probably a Woman, Man's clothes, woman's hair...... when the lady walking ahead of the Woman/Man drops an unnoticed ticket on the floor.

Woman/Man, drags his/her ugly suitcase along, and stops to pick up the ticket. Meanwhile ticket dropper is through the barriers and hot footing it up some stairs.

Woman/Man gets to barrier, and frantically searches for his/her own ticket.

This is where I come in. Like Silvester Stallone. Like *insert well known tough man*, I was ready.

Firstly, I approached Woman/Man, 'Do you want me to chase her?'

Woman/Man was German! 'Please!'

Not the first time the Germans have fucked up.


I took the ticket. I ran through the barriers. I zigzagged up the stairs, around a stampede of rude commuters, ever chasing the brief flashes of her blue coat.

Across the second set of stairs I bellowed. 'STOP!' And everyone stopped. I have never been so respected.

She stopped.

I rushed over and presented the ticket, like the fitting glass slipper, and said 'It's a good day to die hard.' No, I didn't, don't be ridiculous. I said, 'You dropped your ticket.'

She said, 'Oh, right.' Took the ticket, and fucked off.

A hero who goes unrecognised, is still a hero.

This story, as well as exhibiting that the only thing I'm missing is a costume, also proves that I can do my own stunts.

My awesomeness - Coming to a cinema near you.

Okay, but really - I mean, where were her fucking manners? Was she dragged up? I think I'd of got the exact same response if I'd saved her baby moments before a train squashed it. She didn't have a baby, but you get the point. If she had had a baby I would've slapped it across the the face and said, 'For your mother's crimes against humanity.'

I'm genuinely gutted now that she wasn't with a child, which I could've assaulted.

Have a lovely day!

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