Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Becoming Janet

Just in case some of you are missing Ginger Beard (My Geordie other half) as much as me, I thought I'd share this snippet of classic conversation. And I guess if you didn't know him before, you really will now.

Ginger Beard: So, at work once, they put all the women on assertiveness training. It can be really difficult for them not to feel intimidated in a male dominated environment.

Me: Really? That's great. Did it work?

Ginger Beard: Not really. They just went around being complete bitches for a few weeks.

There, feel better now?

I thought so.

ALSO

People keep phoning my house at all hours asking for Janet. I started to feel this incredible pressure to be Janet. They all seem so excited at the prospect of talking to her. It's like, she must be so charismatic to have this many friends!

I phoned Plusnet to complain about it.

David: Basically, you have to tell them to stop it.

Me: Okay.

David: You have to be all, 'this number has been recycled and reassigned to me, and this is unacceptable.'

Me: What if that doesn't work?

David: Then you phone the police and report it as harassment.

Me: Wow, okay, like a crime?

David. Yes, it is a crime. And then phone me back with the crime reference number and I will give you a new number.

So, what? I've practically got to perform a citizen's arrest to get some peace?

It seems easier to just take Janet on like a a second personality. I'm going to try out a few accents and intonations on the next ten or so calls. I'm bound to get her voice right eventually. I guess that in time I can model my second self on the information I get, but for now I'm going to be:

-Hooked on crack cocaine.
-A veterinarian
-An optimist

This morning I lost my balls.

Stranger: Hi, Janet?
Me: Yep.
Stranger: Is that you Janet?
Me: No, not it's not.

I think it's because Janet would never say 'Yep' like that. Tomorrow Janet will try saying, 'Fuck yeah.'


Monday, March 18, 2013

I can be your hero baby

So.....You know when you're watching Brucey strut his stuff in Die Hard, and you're all I wonder what that feels like, to be an action hero, to be forever battling life and death, to start every day knowing it could be your....

Well now you don't have to!

Wonder about it, I mean. Because now (how exciting is this!) you can just ask me.

That's right. Yours truly has experienced a moment which would not look out of place in Mission Impossible.

Can I firstly ask that you don't treat me any differently. I'm the same person, it's just that you'll now be immensely aware of my super human abilities.

SO

There I was, making my way to the station, staring at the back of this person's head going, Man? Woman? Is it? Could it be? Definitely a man, probably a Woman, Man's clothes, woman's hair...... when the lady walking ahead of the Woman/Man drops an unnoticed ticket on the floor.

Woman/Man, drags his/her ugly suitcase along, and stops to pick up the ticket. Meanwhile ticket dropper is through the barriers and hot footing it up some stairs.

Woman/Man gets to barrier, and frantically searches for his/her own ticket.

This is where I come in. Like Silvester Stallone. Like *insert well known tough man*, I was ready.

Firstly, I approached Woman/Man, 'Do you want me to chase her?'

Woman/Man was German! 'Please!'

Not the first time the Germans have fucked up.

I'M JOKING. I'M COMPLETELY JOKING.

I took the ticket. I ran through the barriers. I zigzagged up the stairs, around a stampede of rude commuters, ever chasing the brief flashes of her blue coat.

Across the second set of stairs I bellowed. 'STOP!' And everyone stopped. I have never been so respected.

She stopped.

I rushed over and presented the ticket, like the fitting glass slipper, and said 'It's a good day to die hard.' No, I didn't, don't be ridiculous. I said, 'You dropped your ticket.'

She said, 'Oh, right.' Took the ticket, and fucked off.

A hero who goes unrecognised, is still a hero.

This story, as well as exhibiting that the only thing I'm missing is a costume, also proves that I can do my own stunts.

My awesomeness - Coming to a cinema near you.

Okay, but really - I mean, where were her fucking manners? Was she dragged up? I think I'd of got the exact same response if I'd saved her baby moments before a train squashed it. She didn't have a baby, but you get the point. If she had had a baby I would've slapped it across the the face and said, 'For your mother's crimes against humanity.'

I'm genuinely gutted now that she wasn't with a child, which I could've assaulted.

Have a lovely day!


Friday, March 01, 2013

Rage against the....anything.

I've still got cake left!

Just in case you wanted some. Let me know.

ALSO

I was on the train the other day, and there were two thick girls in the aisle.

I know that sounds harsh, but wait for it.

Me: Would you both mind moving there (two empty seats) so I can get past.

*Blank stares*

Me: It's just that I can't get to my seat.

One of them moves out the way, one of them stays where she is.

Me: If this is going to work, it will require both of you to do that.

THEN, and I shit you not, the one girl who'd moved out of the way, shifts back into the aisle.

Me: The initial problem stands.

Girl one: But I did what you asked!

Me: Yes, but BOTH OF YOU NEED TO GO. AT THE SAME TIME.

It's the 5:07pm train between Manchester and Leeds. I've had a bad day. I've got an audience.

Girl one: I don't get it.

Me: For fuck's sake. (Old people in carriage gasp).

And then I basically pushed them into the space, because as it turns out I have a very Nottingham temper. For anyone who doesn't know Nottingham that well, people who spend a lot of time there stick loyally to the below:

-Swearing is always necessary, the more the merrier.
- If there's no path through a crowd, you fucking make a path (sorry, I'm props back in my Midlands mentality right now).
-Someone's just been shot? Tell me something I don't know.

It's like that time I went swimming, and this girl ignored the anti-clockwise lane system, and I splashed water in her face. Or when this other girl got too close to me at a Kate Nash concert and I pushed her over. Or when.....I think you get it.

Maybe I have some serious anger issues. Does anyone know a really great, Leeds-based therapist, so I can talk my issues through. I'm pretty sure it all boils down to one incident in my childhood, when my Dad bought be a bike and it wasn't anywhere near the colour I'd specified.

You have no idea about what I had to put up with.

BYE.