Big, fat bully

Last I night I dreamt that I got arrested for taking crack cocaine.

I was quite impressed with the reactions of my friends and I, as two policeman came upon us as we were chilling out with taxi drivers on a picnic bench. We promptly tossed the asthmatic inhalers over our shoulders and froze. Now, I don't know if you can take crack cocaine that way, and I'm not going to research it.

Not at work anyway.

THEN

I was beaten up under interrogation, because I stated the reason I'd turned to drugs as 'to ease the beautiful sadness in my soul.'

Fair enough law enforcement, fair enough.

I was thinking this morning that it's a real miracle I wasn't beaten up in school. I had all the expected traits and more so:

Brace? Check
Overweight? Check
Bad skin? Check
Orange Hair? Check

But if we're honest here, who hasn't had orange hair at some point! I mean, really.

HOW WAS I NOT BULLIED?

I did try bullying out for myself. That's right reader, yours truly was not always as saintly.

I asked all my friends to stand on a man hole cover with me, and when the victim tried to stand there also I said: *slightly paraphrased*

'Oh no. Not you. This is the cool square.'

And she was like:

'What? Don't be ridiculous.'

And I was like:

'It's the God's honest truth of the matter. You can only stand here if you're cool. So you can't stand here.'

And when she tried to defy my instructions, my minions and I pushed her back.

SO MEAN.

But, you know, they were clearly set parameters. And I'm pretty sure that it was only for entire lunch break that day.

Oh, you know what?

This one time, I started a petition called, 'The I hate Claire and Jenny petition,' and managed to accrue an impressive number of signatures in support.

They were the two most popular girls in my year at the time, so I guess I was a part-time bully AND a jealous psycho.

It turned out that one of their sisters was a much feared mental. And word quickly reached me that she intended to throw me through a window. A third floor window. Luckily, our humanities teacher who kept a lot of pencils in his deep pockets, and thus looked like he had lots of thin penises, rescued me during her first attempt.

PHEW!

I've changed their names because I'm still scared.

I think I started the petition when they insulted my perm.

I should really add 'perm' to the above list of traits a person possesses that set them up for being bullied.

Wow, I've learnt a lot about myself. I feel better.

Do you feel better?