Bullying for beginners

Alright already, calm down! I'll tell you! Jeez. My banister bruise is doing okay, if okay meant the same as horrific. My arm looks like I've been hit by a cricket bat wielded by (types 'cricketer' into google) Sangakkara (a suggested cricket player from google).

Hey, so I've developed this new sport during my lunch breaks. It's called 'Bullying.' At the moment I'm just bullying Ginger Beard, by sending him a ridiculous amount of offensive emails. It began rather innocently, but now provides me with a healthy, daily dose of amusement. Even when he doesn't reply, I find myself to be incredibly happy. It's just the thought of him reading it and being hurt/confused/depressed/sad. Here's a taster, and I hope you too, can share my joy.

Also, and I think this is really important to note, spell cheker isolates his Phd qualification as a spelling and a grammatical error, which leads me to question - is it real? Is this something we should be aknowledging as anything more than one man's delusion?

From: Gemma Rutter 
Sent: 09 March 2011 12:10
To: James Glover
Subject:

This the right email sunshine?

From: James Glover
Sent: 09 March 2011 12:49
To: Gemma Rutter
Subject: RE:

Depends on who you are and what you want?

Thanks,

James Glover, MEng PhD

From: Gemma Rutter [mailto:Gemma.Rutter@kaplan.co.uk]
Sent: 09 March 2011 12:51
To: James Glover
Subject: RE:

My name is Todd, and I want your face. Would that be possible? (Please let me know as soon as you can, because I have a deadline of 4pm to collect as many faces as possible)

Kind Regards
Gemma Rutter

From: James Glover
Sent: 09 March 2011 12:54
To: Gemma Rutter
Subject: RE:

Sorry Todd I don’t play those kind of games.  I saw the film “Hannibal” at a young age, and it still haunts me.

But I do know a girl with a moonface. Its a bit generic, but if you’re only after numbers it might do.

Thanks,

James Glover, MEng PhD

From: Gemma Rutter [mailto:Gemma.Rutter@kaplan.co.uk]
Sent: 09 March 2011 13:03
To: James Glover
Subject: RE:

I do appreciate you offering up another face, but it’s only really ginger faces that I’m interested in. You see, we’re setting up a Freak Face Festival next month in Leeds, and I really need to get the faces now, because there’s so much paper work. In case you change your mind, the process involves Nicholas Cage coming round to your house and taking your face off. Don’t be alarmed if John Travolta turns up, it’s part of an age-old disagreement. However they may cause considerable damage to your person and home.

From: James Glover [mailto:J.A.Glover@leeds.ac.uk]
Sent: 09 March 2011 13:24
To: Gemma Rutter
Subject: RE:

Thankfully the face Im offering has ginger skin, so would work wonderfully well in the FFF. Additionally it is highly popular with acne so I will throw in the spots for no extra fee. The face has however got a slight sag eye problem, especially in the morning. I do understand that “Bernie eyes” have been known to be contagious, but I think with the proper safequarding any contamination of dirty dirty Nottingham can be avoided.

Additionally its quite important that any celebrities who come to claim the FF utter timeless quotes such as.....

“If I wanted to send you flowers where would I.......no wait, let me rephrase..............would you be grateful if I let you suck my tongue?”

“did the casing fit?”

“it fitted like a condom”

Or would it just be the standard,

“I want to take his face....off”

It really is a deal breaker.

Thanks,

James Glover, MEng PhD