Thank you for all of your imaginary comments. It's really coming across; this overwhelming desire that my readers have, to be like me. I thought I'd provide you with an essential checklist, a checklist which should you choose to loyally follow, will create you anew in my image. Yet a warning young, impressionable reader: this is not a quest for the faint hearted.
1. Subconsciously be tricked by your mother into being a fat child. Have her sing you a lullaby most nights, including the line 'I will bake a cake, for my Gemma dear, when she does awake.' Always wake up wanting cake. Find cake. Destroy that cake.
2. Get your nose pierced by a stoned man in the back of a dodgy jewellers when you're fourteen. You will forever have a bumpy scar from the mess he made of your face. Your nose will hate you, and in apt revenge, always have a cold.
3. Your first thought when the sun's out - 'Great, I can get loads of washing done.'
4. Get a black eye the cool way. Have a conversation walking backwards in a leisure centre. Decide to turn around just in time to meet the metal gym bar. Congratulate your street self.
5. Steal some sweets and get chucked out of brownies. For reasons why see 'Cake Lullaby'.
6. Dislocate jaw. Terrify everyone in A&E with your disfigured facial bones, and inability to swallow.
7. Try to kill your examiner on every driving test, at least once.
8. Be a tomato at the gym, and try to wear a pink crop top - the combination is dashing.
9. Realise that your mother is one of your best friends. And that this is not because of a shortage of friends, but because of your mother.
10. Realise that this is starting to sound like Baz Luhrmann's 'Sunscreen' song. DANCE.
11. Dye your hair fluorescent pink. Let it fade to orange. It goes with your acne.
12. Get a perm at thirteen. It really is as bad as you remember.
13. Find a wild Gingerbeard in the woods. Train it. Educate it. Let it pretend to be a doctor.
No comments:
Post a Comment