The worlds smallest violin

I could never find anything in my bottomless handbag, so I decided to buy one with many, many sections. Now, I still can't find anything, there are just more possible places it could be.

The main activity of my weekend was purchasing a wooden contraption to sit all the herb jars in. They don't fit. Shall I kill myself now, or wait a bit?

In other, more pressing news, the BBC have drawn our attention to a few groundbreaking findings. Thank God, that someone has thought to ask the questions that need asking. 99% of policeman, in perhaps the most urgent survey ever to exist, believe that government cut backs will have a detrimental effect on crime, and even, public services. I'm just relieved that our dwindling funds are being pumped into the most deprived areas. Perhaps someone could ask the police about their opinions on Marmite, and whether or not they would describe the holocaust as 'regrettable.'

My life was also threatened today, when, as I was blowing my nose, Ginger Beard said, 'You know, doing that significantly increases your chances of having a stroke." So, for all those out there, noses happily buried in Kleenex, release them now. Drip, people, drip! And while you're at it, drink one glass of red wine a day, wait no, drinking is bad for your health, exercise, but not too much, save the animals, but don't fall behind on your iron intake, water the flowers, but don't contribute towards a hose pipe ban, look stunning, but be happy in your own, inadequate skin.

Alright, so I'm having a bad day. Luckily, as I rounded the corner of the station, that yappy, tail wagging son-of-a-bitch puppy was still very firmly there. And no, they haven't had the decency to reply to my reasonable email. Shall I send them another one? I want to send them another thirty-four, different emails in different colours, and different fonts. And then they'll reply. And then I'll say, 'Just wanted to share the joy of being pestered by something pointless camouflaged as something worth sharing, like the billboard' HA HA HA.

I'll sleep on it.