Can't cook, don't cook.

So....on Saturday night I was like, I'm going to make a Me cake, that is, a cake just for me. Don't panic, I don't have an eating disorder or anything. I've just never liked sharing, and it really ties in with one of my Resolutions to be more selfish.

We tend to think Resolutions should be about becoming a better person, or helping someone, but sometimes you've got to ask, 'What about me? What do I want?' And I wanted cake.

I set up a little baking station in front of the TV, so that I could continue to spend as much of my weekend as physically possible with Dexter. Did you know that it's really tricky to sieve flour from a height when you're watching one man kill another with a machete. It's like, I may be 25, but I'm still stumbling over these really important life lessons, such as 'Don't prepare food in the lounge,' and 'cracking an egg on the side of a bowl sometimes causes that bowl to be catapulted'.

Please learn from my mistakes.

ALSO, the scales were broken. But I thought to myself, is it possible that I'm such an experienced baker, I don't even need to measure things anymore? Could I be one of those people who simply feels their way around recipes. I mean I could start going around saying 'pukka' and write a freaking book. How exciting!!

Well it turns out that no, no, I can't be that person.

I'm so fucking distressed at what happened to my cake that I've put it in Roses tin, and left it on the hob.

Is that weird? So what if it's inedible? What harm will it do, to stay in that tin awhile pretending to be a great cake, that someone expertly created?

You know, the bits around the edges really aren't that bad, especially it you favour burnt toast.

THEN

I tried to change my duvet cover, and after like three times, I was so frustrated, and on top of the cake thing, and the fact that I'd only had 11 hours sleep, I allowed myself a brief, but satisfying cry.

DON'T JUDGE ME.

Remember what R.E.M said? Huh? Everybody hurts God dammit. Even really successful writers.

In fact, I'm pretty confident that they hurt more.

And to all you people who insist on putting your beautiful, culinary efforts on Facebook - NO ONE CARES.

You may think it makes you talented, but I think you'll find it's harder to leave a cake in the oven for two hours, and find it's still not cooked in the middle.

Eat that and like it.