Sell yourself!

Glamour magazine will give you £500 if you can argue (more than the other desperate people) why you need the money. I do love an invitation to come across all pathetic. You have 50 words in which to instigate tears and a monetary pay off. If, like me, you find yourself on the very verge of poverty, eating kiwi fruit in place of meals, traipsing around in your battered converse, prying 2p coins off the pavement outside McDonalds, then drop them a line. To lie or not the lie? I guess the real questions is, is the truth tragic enough already? Well yes, indeed it is.

Dear Glamour people,

One of my friends is persistently hitting in me in the face. It's happy slapping with one victim. On Sunday, he hit me after we ate fish pie. The first time, he hit me and then gave me chocolate. Although I appreciate that these incidents are taking place either with the promise of food, or straight after the ingestion of it, I can't help but fear for my life. When, named attacker and Ginger Beard were crouched down looking at DVDs in blockbusters, my nice friend Sarah asked me if I liked dominoes. She then pushed one into the other and they toppled over. Then he hit me. I would like £500 for protective head gear, and possibly (should the amount stretch) to a chainsaw (it doesn't have to be a fantastic chainsaw, I only require it to work once.)
Or, you know, instead of the money, maybe A JOB. CAN YOU GIVE ME A JOB PLEASE? I CAN BE MILDLY FUNNY (IF PAID). I’M NOT BEGGING, IT’S JUST THAT I’LL TAKE MY OWN LIFE IF IGNORED.

Cheers,

WriterAtLunch