Chill your beef

Oh my God guys, it was so awful; I got kicked out of my own blog! I was like, but I need to update the people on yet another horrendous train journey and how I ended up snorting a grape. And I couldn't!

The writing lark is very cathartic for me, so I went around a little more furious than usual and took it out on unsuspecting strangers.

So.......the grape!

Right, I was eating this red, seedless grape, mushing it up with my teeth and shit, when a friend made me laugh and I snorted. The grape, in all it's lovely squashed form, went up my nose. Have you ever experienced the sensation of fruit stuck in your head? It's frigging unbearable. I wanted to be sick. But all I could do was sneeze and go buzz eyed.

My friend was like, 'Blow it out, quick!' chucking tissue at me. But it didn't want to go that way.

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking Gemma, this is too much of a share. But I truly feel that no one else should have to endure this. Learn from my mistake guys. Don't consume grapes in moments which may potentially warrant laughter.

Over the next four hours, bits of the grape, fell back into my mouth.

THAT'S RIGHT.CAN YOU IMAGINE?

I DON'T THINK YOU CAN.

I also went on this train, and sat in my seat, and this woman came over and was like,

 'I'm afraid you've sat in my seat.'

And I was like, 'No, this is definitely my seat.'

And then we looked at each others tickets, and they were the same.

You know what she did? She asked me if I was going to move. What the fuck juice? (Mum, I'm really sorry about the language, but this lady was totally breaking my balls.)

So I said, 'Uh, no, I'm already sat here so.....'

And she was all, 'But it's also my seat.'

GOD HELP US ALL.

I suggested that she sought a refund, and pointed out, that she was obviously entitled to one. Then she stood next to me all the way to Manchester, for an hour. I don't think she stopped starting at my face once, so I made sure that my face was projecting, 'Wow, this is the best seat ever, what a great seat, and I am so ridiculously happy right now, all the happier for sitting.'

I do realise that a few of my blogs now have been all about seating. But this is what the world is coming to. It's a dark place for a commuter these days. In the words of philosophers Black Eyed Peas, 'Where is the love?'